00:39IST
Toy Room, Inderpuri
New Delhi

I think I am beginning to understand why I want to write. Ironically, the thought struck me as I watched the opening scene of Tyrannasaur. The thing is, I have a lot of energy. Everything has energy, but I'm not getting into generalisations.

I have a lot of energy, which needs a release. Coming back to and narrowing down generalisations a teeny-weeny bit, all humans have energy inside of them, which needs a release. People find, or devise ways of channelising this energy, so that it releases in an orderly form. Some exercise, some have a lot of sex, some talk, some just focus it all on the task at hand, and some write. Now, this release may or may not find a vent in the job that the person does. A job is an activity required of all humans in order to survive. Its like water, a necessity, unless you are a Paris Hilton or a Kadarshian. If the person cannot find this vent in the job, then the person needs to find another vent. My guess is that creative people are the happiest of the lot, because they find their vent in their work. They are able to consume their energy in the act of creating wonderful, scary things.

My vent, apart from running/swimming, is writing. I need to do it simply because if I don't, I will burn from within. All that energy will eat me up. It is not so much a passion, as much as it is a mere need. Yes, I do dream of being read and hailed as a good, honest writer some day, much like Charles Bukowski, or Leonard Cohen. But that can't be the drive. Because if that was a drive, I probably would have done something about it by now. Not been doodling with words with this erraticity.

Hence, I must write.

00:26IST
Toy Room, Inderpuri
New Delhi, India

What did I do today? What did I fucking do today?? Do you really want to know!? You shitty titty fucking, cunt of a twatty fatty useless whore of a woman!! Do you really want to fucking know what I fucking do today???

I tried to figure out why I have these urges to write, and why I don't. And what did I discover? I discovered that I'm a wank.

Other than that, I gymed, lunched, slept, and walked on the terrace. The usual affair.

15:30 IST
The Parents' Room, Inderpuri
New Delhi, India

Being a lazy daisy has never ever done anyone ever any good. But it is a part-and-parcel of my personality. To be lazy is to be me.

No more excuses for not being regular in maintaining a record of the pointless existence. External reality has not been very exciting as of late. The usual affair - gym (hot instructors!), shower, sleep, food, sleep/walk, interent, telly with the sisters, dinner, walk, read, sleep. Had a harrowing week last week with the American family. The cousin was fun - all of 19 - girls, alcohol, music, sex - all that jazz. Fun talk real talk. The cousin's father was a total whore. A boring whore. A boring whore who wouldn't stop talking. A boring whore who wouldn't stop talking about how wonderful and amazing and supremely clever he has been and still is and to be him is to be the greatest thing on earth. Wanker. Relieved he is gone.

Been reading this book called Women. A fifty-year old alcoholic poet writes about the women he encounters - some he falls in love with, some he doesn't. Has sex with pretty much all of them. Very physical descriptions - of their movement, their hair, body. Objectifies his women. Gives them shape, colour, a flow. Talks about their body language - the way she swayed her hips as she turned to smile, or talking about the things they say. Love. He sometimes feels like he is in love. Goodness. Understanding. The decription of that comes forth in his objective superficial description of the things they do and the things they say. I like this guy. Seems like a misogynist, but I like his honesty.

The internal world - no job nor strife in life. Hence it is relatively empty. His presence hovers as always. Thoughts about working in an orphanage once I get a job. Thoughts about a dramatic nightmare involving autorikshaws and rape and death in Delhi. Been put off going outside because of that. Thoughts about the book. I need to get started on that. Get started, Quit wanking.