14:49 IST
Postcard-Mirror Room, Shahpur Jat
New Delhi, India
25 September was my last post, and I had mentioned intimacy and how we tend to weave time into our thoughts and hence language all the time.
A month and a day later, my thoughts are not different. They aren't the same, because certain events took place in-between and were strong enough to leave lasting impression on my mind, but the state of my mind is no different. I still miss intimacy, and I still wonder at time.
The boi that I believed to be in love with, the one in who's company I felt free and happie had been lying to me about himself for the entire year that I had known him,
The entire year that I had known him.
Time, is relevant.
Time helps me track back, recreate the sequence of events that led to the slow unfolding of my own self towards this schmuck.
I feel utterly wasted. The whole year's worth of headspace is billowing its acrid smoke at me. It's burned and gone. Waste.
I'm alone.
What's going to change now? Deleted the person from my external life. And internally, I still think of him, but as a third person. There are moments of pure hatred and anger when I suddenly speak aloud words to him. And there are flashes of moving images that keep recurring in my mind.
When he said this, was he faking it? How could someone fake such a thing!? Why would anyone WANT to fake such a thing!? Was he calculative about all those little intimate gestures and phrases? Why? Couldn't he simply have told me that he was only interested in my work, and that he was dutifully involved with someone else? Why the lies!?
Thoughts like these churn and churn in my brain. They have curdled up and taste sour. I want to rid myself of this curd-gone-bad. Detoxify. I know the steps, the externalities, the action-points. But the will, the internal, the mind....it is a struggle.
But whether I move on or not, life will.
Postcard-Mirror Room, Shahpur Jat
New Delhi, India
25 September was my last post, and I had mentioned intimacy and how we tend to weave time into our thoughts and hence language all the time.
A month and a day later, my thoughts are not different. They aren't the same, because certain events took place in-between and were strong enough to leave lasting impression on my mind, but the state of my mind is no different. I still miss intimacy, and I still wonder at time.
The boi that I believed to be in love with, the one in who's company I felt free and happie had been lying to me about himself for the entire year that I had known him,
The entire year that I had known him.
Time, is relevant.
Time helps me track back, recreate the sequence of events that led to the slow unfolding of my own self towards this schmuck.
I feel utterly wasted. The whole year's worth of headspace is billowing its acrid smoke at me. It's burned and gone. Waste.
I'm alone.
What's going to change now? Deleted the person from my external life. And internally, I still think of him, but as a third person. There are moments of pure hatred and anger when I suddenly speak aloud words to him. And there are flashes of moving images that keep recurring in my mind.
When he said this, was he faking it? How could someone fake such a thing!? Why would anyone WANT to fake such a thing!? Was he calculative about all those little intimate gestures and phrases? Why? Couldn't he simply have told me that he was only interested in my work, and that he was dutifully involved with someone else? Why the lies!?
Thoughts like these churn and churn in my brain. They have curdled up and taste sour. I want to rid myself of this curd-gone-bad. Detoxify. I know the steps, the externalities, the action-points. But the will, the internal, the mind....it is a struggle.
But whether I move on or not, life will.
